Roadog: the Movie (A-soon-to-be-no-longer-so-cute compendium of things Steve said or heard on his ridiculous book tour, distributed free of charge & without any need to respond)
1. “Naw, it don’t hurt at all. It’s beautiful, man. Just silence. Silence all over the place.” — Tony “The KO King” Gardner, former USBA Welterweight Champ, describing what it’s like to get knocked out, over B-52 shooters, on Beale Street in Memphis.
2. Number of pornography factories toured: 1
3. Highest turnout thus far: 137 people @ the Oxford Conference for the Book, Oxford, MS.
4. Lowest turnout: 1 person (Eric). Memphis, TN.
5. Fast Food Tally: Domino’s Pizza: 1 Whopper: 1 Supersize Fries: 2
6. Current reading weight: 152 pounds
Kritics Korner: “Almond’s first-person narrators are always saying embarrassingly arty things … Though they’re not the same people, they talk as if they are, one character after another indulging in the same effete verbal tics (“taking” lunch or “supper” rather than eating it, the implicit entitlement in the phrase not fitting the people talking). Almond can’t write dialogue by instinct, and he doesn’t think his language through.”
— Professor of Creative Writing Griel Marcus spanking me the right way on Salon.com
7. “Coherence is vastly overrated as an index of sociability.” — Peter O. Almond dispenses some avuncular advice to the Roadog
8. On Sunday, April 28, the New York Times will be running a full-page review of the book. Complaints about the review — sure to fault my incessant emotionalism & tendency toward the use of bodily fluids as leit motifs — can be directed to Barbara Almond, the Roadog’s manager.
Colloquy between the author & Red Bull Promotional Girls Julie & April, transcribed Tuesday, April 16, at Beaucoup Books in Nawlins:
Julie: Hey! That was really fun. This is, like, the first reading we’ve ever been to. We saw a thing about it in the paper.
April: Yeah, mostly we go to clubs.
Julie: It’s our job. They send us out to check out cultural stuff — you know, just to hang and check out the scene.
Steve: You get paid for this?
April: Yeah! Isn’t that cool?
Julie: It beats the hell out of handing out fliers.
April: Do you want a Red Bull? It’s a delicious energy drink.
Steve: What does it have, caffeine?
April: No, it’s just an energy drink.
Julie: Like, for energy.
Steve: Do a lot of authors drink Red Bull?
April: Oh yeah. Stephen King drinks this stuff by the gallon.
Julie: And Bellow. Bellow’s on an IV drip.
April: Toni Morrison.
Julie: All the big guns. For real.
9. From the department of poor planning: A) Pairs of long underwear packed by Steve: 2 B) Average temperature of the cities visited by Steve: 77 degrees.
10. For God’s sake: want something.
Rock n roll will save your life, rdog
Find out more about Steve
Almond at www.stevenalmond.com.